The depression symptom no one wants to talk about

You’ve heard it all before — the aches and pains, the numbness, apathy. Ceasing to enjoy what you once loved. Despair, sadness. Thoughts of suicide.

These have become the normal talking points surrounding depression, and, more easy to discuss with safe and empathetic listeners.

But there’s one symptom that isn’t. At least not yet. And I had no idea that it was related to my depression, and not just my own laziness or forgetfulness, until my psychiatrist directly asked me about it:

“How are your personal hygiene routines?”

I blinked.

Shane and fear welled up inside me as I replied,

“Not so great.”

He waited.

“I find it hard to remember to brush my teeth and often forget to shower. Even if I remember or someone mentions it… I still struggle to actually go do it… it’s like this big, mental block.”

He nodded and told me that I was 100% normal. That this, too, was a symptom of the beast.

The relief was instantaneous.

My depression had robbed me of the most basic habits, habits I’d had since I was a child, and I felt ashamed.

Talking about despair and numbness is met with empathy and care — but bad breath and B.O.? Yeah. No one wanted to hear that. That was too much, too personal, too — gross.

It was a symptom that could effect them. Undeniable and nose-curling, and reaching just beyond the limits of their voyeuristic empathy.

Over the years I’ve found medicine that treats my depression well. I’ve enjoyed remission and relapses, but mostly I have hope and know it will be okay.

But it’s been over 3 years since my darkest moments, and while many of the aches have subsided, the soul-crushing exhaustion, the apathy, the numbness, I still struggle to remember to brush my teeth.

I still feel a block. And I wonder at how after picking up so many pieces, this one still remains.